Is it time to stop crying now?

Sometimes life is hard. Really, really, really hard. I don't like that. Not one bit.

People say that it's the hard times that create character, that make you what you are. Whatever. I would be willing to be a characterless blob, if it meant that I didn't have to deal with the crap that life likes to throw at you.

And the really horrible part? Things aren't that bad right now.

I've got my health. The people in my life are more or less OK. I'm about to finish my seemingly neverending education. I've been successful. Some people think I'm smart.

But man it's tough.

For one thing, my life is changing. No more school. Back out into that "real world" place people keep talking about. And, suddenly, there's just not very much in that real world. There used to be jobs. Money! Now, there only seem to be a lot of people looking for those things.

Am I going to be one of them? How do I do that exactly?

I have to face the ramifications of 6 years in grad school now. Will anyone ever see me as a prospective hire? Will the PhD label make me an undesirable? I've heard that happens. Even if I do get hired by someone, somewhere, will I be able to pay off that debt? Because it's awfully monstrous at the moment.

These are problems. Tough problems. Problems that are not helped by that dissertation that still hangs over my head.

Still, it's not the problems that are the only problem. The really tough part about these hard times is that my supports have been disappearing on me.

Don't get me wrong. I still have family. I still have friends. The missing supports are not those old standbys. Instead, they're my silly internet supports. My favorite band. The message board that's been my virtual home for almost 3 years now.

The band went and broke up a few weeks back. I suppose technically they didn't "break up" in the classic sense. But the lead singer left, and now the band is different. They might be good, but they're not what I've been relying on for entertainment.

This is hardly the end of the world. It's just that I suddenly don't have concerts to look forward to. It's that I always have an underlying feeling of dread when I look them up on the web now. It's that I sometimes stay away from fan message boards, not wanting to read about what's happened.

And then there are those message boards. One in particular. Technically, a fan board too. But really, it's more like a place for friends. A place where I could always be sure of a laugh. A place where I could find people who liked me, people who admired me, and people who I liked and admired in turn.

This morning, however, it was gone. Suddenly. No warning. Just gone. Probably for good. Everything that we had there is gone. All those friends, all those laughs, gone. Not for any good reason, either. Just gone.

I can be angry. I have people to blame. I can be proactive about this -- helping to set up a new board, contacting those responsible, moving on with my life. I can do all of these things.

But mostly, I just want to stop crying.